The Deafening Noise of Silence.
“…You cannot afford to think of being here to receive an education: you will do much better to think of being here to claim one”, stated Adrienne Rich at the convocation of Douglass College in 1977 and this declaration applies today just as well as it did then. Throughout my years in elementary school, middle school, and high school I was reserved. I was unable to speak up in class, whether I knew the answers to questions, had an opinion on a debate, or only to ask about material I did not understand. I found it difficult to get what I needed out of my classes by staying silent and I failed to “claim” my education. I was perfectly content to sit back and only “receive” an education, although the former was rightfully mine to reach for. I have come to find that in order to get what I desperately need, to succeed in my education and through life, I must be willing to step out of my comfort zone and speak up in school, or I risk wasting my time spent here. I was anticipated to graduate in 1997. However, decisions I made and paths I pursued deferred me from my intended destination. I spent eleven years kicking around in a vast array of odd jobs, none of which brought me any sort of satisfaction. Finally, I began to ponder the notion of returning to school and set out to receive my G.E.D. After taking the necessary steps I was able to take and pass the Exam. I began to discover some confidence, albeit a miniscule amount, in myself. Shortly after, I began working dissatisfying jobs once again but soon grew weary of them altogether. In 2008, I came to the conclusion that I needed to begin establishing a solid foundation for my future so I enrolled in Anoka Ramsey Community College. In an effort to acclimate myself into the process of beginning school once more, I selected only one course during the summer session. The course I chose was American Politics and Government. When I walked into my class on the first day of the term I was one of two students who arrived early. I placed my bags sheepishly next to my seat and slid down into the front row. I had decided to become pro-active and make the effort to claim as much knowledge from the course as possible. In the opening of the summer term I was extremely uneasy. Initially, I sat silently in my chair and attempted to disappear from the attention of the other students and the instructor. Soon I began to understand why I was feeling secluded from the rest of the class. Just as before, throughout all my former years in school, I refused to participate in class discussions and I failed to volunteer my perspective on various subjects without thought into how well informed I was on the matter. Eventually I came to the realization that if I didn’t do something immediately, I was on the brink of self-destruction. About a third of the way through the term I came to class determined to succeed. I refused to maintain my anonymity. I was going to speak up. This particular day, we were discussing the Iraq War and this was a subject I had strong convictions about. The instructor volunteered some thoughts and then left it up to the class to proceed with discussion. This was the moment I would choose to speak. I glanced around the room, searching for someone who would speak, thus providing a perfect segue for me to explode out of my internal suffocation. My quick scan of the surroundings provided me with no aid. The majority of the students were either staring into the screen of the computer in front of them or scribbling furiously in a notepad. It seemed there would be no relief from the grasp of apprehension upon my vocal cords. My hand shot up so abruptly it was as if I had the solution to all the world’s ailments and could not delay in illuminating the masses to my new found knowledge. When the instructor motioned for me to speak I felt my heart begin to gain momentum and pound so ferociously I felt it may burst from my pericardial cavity, through my chest, and race from the room as if I no longer needed it and the organ was destined for some other purpose. When I was able to gain my composure I began to speak and my preconceived notions of classmates throwing tomatoes at me, like I was some terrible comedian, disappeared. I was able to speak freely and fluently. My voice did not waiver and I no longer had any apprehension about the way the other students may have been thinking of me. When it was over, I did not die of a heart attack, I did not suffer brain hemorrhaging, and no one was laughing at me. The only criticism that I received was from within me. How convoluted was my hesitation? Why hadn’t I spoken sooner? Not long after my death defying moment of audacity the class period expired. I collected my bags which seemed to weigh a ton less than when I entered the room that evening and I walked back to my car. I couldn’t help but sit with a smirk on my face when I turned the ignition. I felt that I must have been the most daring man on earth in order to speak in front of all those critics. I had no need for my Volkswagen’s air conditioning system on that sweltering summer night, for I was the coolest customer around. I turned on the radio and pulled out of the parking lot free from burden. I am no longer hesitant in stating my opinions in front of the populace of my classes. I ask questions whenever I have one and feel no shame in doing so. I realize now that the people that I attend school with are in class for the same reasons as I am. We all wish to claim our education and become the adults we have always dreamed of becoming. The mistakes I made in the past have been left in the past and they will remain there. I have every opportunity now to break away from the withdrawn, meek individual I was and to be true to who I actually am. Since that day I have had no amount of dread in regards to public speaking. Each time I refused to converse in the classroom in the past, I wasn’t only wasting my instructors time, but mine as well. By my own doing I received a substandard education while I stayed silent. It wasn’t until I learned to leap beyond my qualms and express my ideas as well as my perspectives that I was able to finally make use of my time in college and “claim” my education.
No comments:
Post a Comment